Work, Voluntary

Voluntary work is the ideal way for pensioners to give something back to the community which has nurtured them for so long, enabling others to benefit from the skills and experience they have acquired over the years.

Practical skills such as driving, cooking, gardening, spot welding and rustling are always welcomed, especially if you have your own car, frying pan, wheelbarrow, blowtorch and cattle prod respectively.

Before being accepted by an organisation, you may have to undergo a CRB check, so if you have a criminal record, it’s time to call in a few favours and have your name deleted from the relevant lists of offenders. If this is not possible, giving a false name and wearing a disguise (See Wigs) should suffice in most cases.

There are numerous opportunities to work with the young, the poor, addicts, the disabled, asylum seekers and others, and as well as making them soup and filling in forms on their behalf, you may also enrich your life with new skills such as getaway driving, credit card cloning, phone hacking, using a crutch and ordering things in Somali.

Once you’ve spent two years volunteering, you should receive an MBE or at least be nominated as an unsung hero by your local radio station, and you will probably then be invited to open village fetes, judge chutney competitions and record a charity single with the underprivileged found in Simon Cowell’s trousers.