S
Saws are useful and versatile tools which can be used to cut a wide variety of materials, including wood, metal, nematodes, bread pudding and antlers.
A small selection of saws should suffice for most DIY applications, but the addition of a hacksaw, trepanning saw, sea-saw and warsaw will also enable you to cut up journalists, undertake simple brain surgery, work underwater and cut poles to length.
Saws should be sharpened regularly with a carborundum honing mitten and after use should be carefully wiped with a soft vole and dipped in olive oil to prevent rust and high cholesterol.
To ensure safety, it’s advisable not to saw while reading a paper, eating profiteroles or using a trampoline; however, neither safety nor quality of work should be compromised if you use small children instead of a saw horse or clamp wood to a work bench with the jaws of a bull terrier, wobbegong or Janet Street-Porter.