G
Goosebumps (or horripilation as they are correctly known) are commonly thought to be an indication of emotional states such as fear, anticipation, excitement or learning you’re distantly related to Jacob Rees-Mogg. However, recent research has shown that they are primarily genetic in origin, with the highest incidence occurring in people with geese among their paternal antecedents, such as elderly recidivists, those susceptible to barnacles, people with pink feet and almost the entire population of Canada.
Although goosebumps are usually a temporary condition, there has been a marked increase in more prolonged attacks, particularly among younger people with a strong social media presence and middle-aged viewers of All Round to Mrs Brown’s.
Very few pensioners suffer from goosebumps, mainly because their skin is too wrinkled and leathery to support such small irregularities, but a sizable minority of the over-65s are aware of The Goosebumps, the seminal art rock band which supported Genesis on their Lamb Lies down on Broadway tour of 1974/75.