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Although many pensioners are prescribed drugs to treat various conditions, surprisingly few use recreational drugs in the normal course of events.
LSD is probably the most popular, though many pensioners have been duped into buying pre-decimal coinage rather than the genuine article, often causing serious metal fatigue in fillings after sucking threepennny bits for extended periods of time.
Similar problems have been experienced with ketamine (also known as Special K), with some pensioners becoming addicted to high fibre breakfast cereals and wearing red dresses in inappropriate situations.
Heroin (also known to pensioners as Nightingale), cocaine (aka Michael) and ecstasy (aka Emmerdales) are rarely used, while so-called designer drugs, such as MDHA, GCHQ and KFC, are mainly confined to the areas around Mablethorpe and Louth.
There is some evidence that pensioners are trying to develop their own legal highs, with reports of small industrial units being leased for the production of experimental substances which are then sold at street markets under names such as Fogey Dope, Methuseladone and Grannyganja.